We are all familiar with the command that we are to forgive and to always forgive. How many times? Matthew 18:22 says (NASB): “Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy-seven times””. So, as many times as it takes.
For small issues, we may not think much about forgiving someone, especially if we were good friends originally. However, forgiveness may not always be easy, especially if we are deeply hurt, or if the other party had really, intentionally wanted to hurt you. This can happen in our personal relationships; some of us have experienced this in the workplace, sabotaged by another to protect their own skin. The other party may not be a Christian who holds onto the same values as you. They may continue to hurt you or embarrass you. You can distance yourself, but it may not be easy to forgive.
Even in such cases, the Bible calls on us to continue to forgive – as many times as it takes. The Bible offers us some helpful suggestions on how we can forgive others. We refer to Leviticus 19:17-18, which reads (NASB): “You shall not hate your fellow countryman in your heart; you may certainly rebuke your neighbour, but you are not to incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor hold any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord.”
The first tip is to connect. Verse 17 says “you may certainly rebuke your neighbour”. This calls for us to take a step forward, to reach out, and connect. This may even involve rebuking, and reasoning with our neighbour. Many of us may be averse to conflict and would rather bury our unhappiness. However, without reaching out as a first step, it may be hard to untie the knot in our heart sometimes.
How do we connect? We can first do it in private. Matthew 18:15 says (NASB): “Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” Only bring it out to a bigger group if things are not resolved.
Also, we should not wait too long to connect. Our emotions and thoughts may fester, and our biases against someone may grow. The Bible suggests resolving such issues quickly. Ephesians 4:26-27 reads (NASB): “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”
The second tip is to let go and do not hold grudges. This may be hard to do emotionally. However, verse 17 and 18 tell us not to “hate your fellow countryman in your heart”, and that we shall not “hold any grudge against the sons of your people”. This suggests that forgiveness is not just a logical decision but should also be reflected in our mental and emotional state.
How can we do this? It is important to try to share openly when we connect, and not discuss issues superficially. There is no need to cover up what they did or downplay the effect of the hurt on us. Your neighbour may not even realise that you were hurt, so unless it is discussed between you two, things will remain unresolved.
The third tip, and perhaps hardest to do, is to love. It may be counterintuitive to do so, and emotionally even tougher to do. However, this is clearly commanded. John 15:12 says (NASB): “This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.” It does not say to only love those who have never sinned against you or have never hurt you.
One way to think about this emotionally is to also realise that we are sinners ourselves. Our neighbour may have sinned against us, but we would have sinned against others too. Just as we desire forgiveness, so we should forgive others. Just as we can love ourselves, as sinners, so we can love our fellow neighbours.
Forgiveness, a condition of the heart and mind, is not easy, but it is an essential quality of being a Christian. The real test of forgiveness is to forgive not only when things are easy, but when it’s really challenging to do so, and hopefully these 3 tips can help us in some way or another.